The Bobbi of three years ago would never believe that today, she is actually writing a post about how she has chosen and REMAINED celibate since making the decision. Whew…crazy.
I’ve been abstaining from sex for ONE WHOLE YEAR! and to celebrate, I am excited to share my journey with you. Has it been the easiest year of my life? NO. Have I thought about going back on my covenant with God and giving in to my flesh? YES. Has God blessed me more than I could have ever imagined for honoring Him with my body? YES!!! I have to admit, this decision was one of the best I’ve ever made. My walk with God has gotten much more intimate and I have been able to further conform myself to the image of Christ. Okay, getting right into it..
From adolescence into young adulthood I’ve been a curvy girl. I remember being in the fourth grade and feeling humiliated when the little boys commented on my breasts and my butt. (Yes, this actually happened.) But as I continued to get older and the other girls began to catch up with me physically, I began to enjoy the attention from guys, and even began to alter the way I dressed in order to receive more of it. I was a smart kid who grew up loving to read novels, play instruments, and excel in school. Once I realized this wasn’t going to make me popular, I tried to hide my inner intelligence and chose instead to highlight my outward beauty, thinking it was all anyone would ever care about anyway. How this destructive ideology remained with me throughout high school and most of college, who knows? Either way, teenage Bobbi became young-adult Bobbi who still believed that the best thing about her were her thighs, hips, butt, and breasts.
My mother rededicated her life to Christ in 2003 and began attending church regularly and as a result, I became saved and baptized at the age of 9. Unfortunately, this did not stop me from losing my virginity at a very young age. I was more interested in being accepted at school than I was in being accepted by God. I knew it was wrong. But to be quite honest, I didn’t feel guilty for my decisions. As I got older I never really wanted to go to church on Sundays and I would only pray during difficult moments of my young life, like when I went through one of those “terrible high school breakups”. Eventually it got to a point where I stopped praying altogether. I believed in the back of my mind that if I continually repented for the wrong I was doing, I would still receive the gift of salvation if something were to happen to me. I had it all wrong.
“I thought, in order for a man to love me, I must give him my body.”
I never was the type to enjoy casual sex or one night stands. I always desired a healthy relationship, I wanted to be and feel loved by someone. I ended up in highly toxic relationships because I didn’t know what a healthy one was…I’d never seen it before. I was raised in a single-parent home and never witnessed a man love my mother. Consequently, I thought in order for a man to love me, I must give him my body. Some of the guys I dated in college genuinely tried to get to know and love me, but I didn’t show them the “real” me… I was too afraid that they wouldn’t like that person. Over time, I began to lose myself. I no longer knew who the ‘real me’ was because I’d spent so much time and energy hiding that side of me. My focus was always making sure my hair, nails, and clothes were top notch. My focus was going to the clubs and bars every weekend so I could be seen and desired. My focus was getting the attention that I had been craving since I was a little girl. I was getting more of it than ever and I loved it! At least I thought I did.
Once I was given the wisdom, I boldly confessed to the God of all creation that I will wait on my husband.
I lost myself in the process. I had not a single clue as to what I wanted to do in life. I had no idea of how I could benefit the world. I didn’t realize how lost I was until I got out of a very toxic relationship during my junior year of college. I feel as though I literally gave that person the last few little pieces of myself, and instead of cherishing and nurturing those pieces, it was as if he used the best of me for his personal gain and threw me away to the birds once he was done. It was a relief to be done with him but what was I left with? It felt as though nothing at all. I proceeded to enter into a stage of deep depression, during which I began to have suicidal thoughts. (I will never amount to anything, all that men will ever care about is my body and what I can offer them, the world will be the same or better without me, etc). The devil had my mind WARPED, because I believed every single lie he fed me.
One year later, (I will never forget this day), the Lord came to me as I was sitting in my room reading the Bible. His presence gave me a warmth I’d never felt before. My spirit was comforted. I felt His peace wash over me and I was IMMEDIATELY refreshed. It was as if I had been on a deserted island with little food and God showed up to where I was and gave my body all of the nutrients and nourishment it desperately needed! With tears streaming down my face upon experiencing the glory of the Lord, I could not help but surrender unto Him. I felt as though the worries about my past, my lack of identity, my fears, sins, downfalls and setbacks were lifted from my shoulders! The Word of God says to:
“Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you, He will never permit the righteous to be moved.”
God was beginning to lift me out of depression! He revealed to me my true identity in Christ: a virtuous woman. He told me that I am more than my body, and three months later I found myself in tears once again as I made a sacred covenant unto to the Lord to honor Him with my body. I’d never seen marriage in my home, I didn’t know what it meant to be someone’s wife, although it was something I’ve always wanted. God taught me how to love! He taught me who a wife is, how she carries herself, what her duties unto her husband and children are. Once I was given the wisdom I boldly professed to the God of all creation that I will wait on my husband in mind and body, no matter how long it takes! Best decision I’ve ever made, indeed! God has shown me joy and favor because of my obedience, it’s almost mind-blowing to think of it all.
Going from having sexual relationships to absolutely no sex is nothing less than God making a statement through my testimony. When I think of how far He has brought me, I think on 1 Corinthians 10:13. NOTHING, and I stress the word, NOTHING, is too powerful for the Almighty God! Breaking free from lust was so difficult for me, and believe me, I did not become free from its bondages overnight, and I still have moments of weakness. (Stay tuned for a future post about conquering lust!) But each night God heard my cry for freedom, and today I can boldly profess that He’s answered my prayers!
He can and will do the same for you too ❤